i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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