Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
