I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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