apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I lost the right to judge tonight
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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