I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
