I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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