Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
