"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
