Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
