Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
