i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
