Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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