I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
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The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
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We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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