woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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