i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
