I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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