Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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