Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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