The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
