so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
