My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
