Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
