my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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