Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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