yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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