They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
