We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
