So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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