Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
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