Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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