someone get that fucking seahorse.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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