so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
