I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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