so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
