You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
this is an emotional support booty call
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
