well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
