Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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