You don't have asthma, your pregnant
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
