I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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