I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
