Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
