I didn't shave. On purpose
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
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