I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
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