So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
