dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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