Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
