Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
