Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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