Nicole vs. Life
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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