I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
