I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
