You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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