My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
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I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
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Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
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